Feeling good about oneself being a handicapped is a kind of new quest after reality about what happened to us set in. After fully absorbed that nothing can change the conditions of our disabilities back into normal, the opportunity that can be wonderfully grasped is how to feel good about ourselves.
This is a common quest shared by most of us regardless of different forms of disabilities that we have. And anyone has the capability to reach such kind of feeling towards self. The beauty of it all is that feeling good is more than thinking positively. Because in here lies the compassion and patience with our physical differences. The kind of compassion where full acceptance about what happen to us reconciles and being patient to whatever actual inconveniences occurred in the presence of disabilities.
I admit I have had my share on feeling bad about my self before than feeling good having me as a polio victim. The inconvenience of doing with physical efforts, the public curious eyes and judgment, and other things I have missed to do and experienced done commonly by able-bodied people had left me feeling bitter against myself.
The struggle that followed was never been a joke for years of struggling painfully. I had seen more reasons to feel bad than feeling good. Besause my struggle was all real especially when I reached college. All different forms of fears were there all rolled into fear of facing what lies ahead. That caused anxiety and depression without limits. During college years, being a Bi-polar too, life was totally blurred mixed with ample attempts to commit suicide. My mood fluctuated like a swing, going up and down leaving me so drained and feeling useless.
My bipolar syndrome was the most difficult to handle than facing life as a polio victim. Because it attacked me anytime and anywhere. It was like living in a dark hell alive. Even though there were times when I peacefully accepted my disability, my disorder being bipolar crept in disrupting every fiber of strength I gained. One time I felt renew and find hope beyond my handicap and the next time I felt down again, so helpless that thinking positive was never a big help to calm me down.
When I finished my study, my bipolar attack kept getting worse especially that my fear came true. Year 2000 was filled with many rejections from my job interviews than I ever expected. Although I got my Professional Career certificate after taking exam from the Government Civil Service, some government officials refused me to fill in the vacant position in spite of my education and civil service qualification. The painful reason: Handicapped. But I was thankful that after three years of seeking jobs, one kindhearted Mayor accepted me to work for his office. Unfortunately, he lost his last term in the office. I was fired out after six months when a new administration took over.
Since then, new form of fear surfaced that left me asking myself how am I to able to get a job and live life like normal people do when some people never treated me like a normal one. I began to doubt whether I was only absorbed with illusion that handicapped are normal humans too with normal life to enjoy with. As fears surfaced and resurfaced from time to time, my bipolar mind remained my enemy, keeping track to my anxieties that left me drained and tired of facing challenges each day.
Honestly, it is all difficult to feel good towards self when physical and mental disabilities remain a major issue to base our judgment upon. Thinking positively won't work out long especially when there are certain situations that can drain a person mentally. The painful struggle would surely continue without any hint when will it ends.
However, we can make a new sense of life's outlook where we can totally feel good even in the presence of all forms of disabilities. It is by valuing "self" more than anyone can judge. Although our disabilities may be subject to public judgment and acceptance, it cannot change the truth that we are more than being labeled as handicapped. Within that body that sits in a wheelchair, lying in a bed or with different figures of body parts and mental disorder lies the presence of able self, more active, alert, creative and stronger than anyone can imagine.
But it takes our will to discover our valuable assets within to find what we already have. It takes the will to love oneself and be compassionate and patient towards what life brings. Surely, this is not an easy part especially if one is new to his disability. It is true that everyone has his own part of resistance. Everyone is free to feel that way. But such freedom often missed our opportunity to get in touch with our capabilities, our unique power that has been there long before. That only by giving value to ourselves, even if others will not, such power will give life's purpose and an amazing sense of direction.
The moment we value self, the experience of seeing the beauty and power of life beyond our disabilities becomes available. Watching the beauty and power of life are the most wonderful gifts we ever have. The beauty of it all is the fact that we are all here to witness how they work for us in special ways; not based from the past nor to be waited in the near future but for today as we enjoy the presence of life as it is. With such wonderful truth, one could not have asked for more but feeling good each moment of the day. Let be your moment now a celebration being the treasure you are!
