Feeling Good about Self even in the Presence of Disabilities

Feeling good about oneself being a handicapped is a kind of new quest after reality about what happened to us set in. After fully absorbed that nothing can change the conditions of our disabilities back into normal, the opportunity that can be wonderfully grasped is how to feel good about ourselves.

This is a common quest shared by most of us regardless of different forms of disabilities that we have. And anyone has the capability to reach such kind of feeling towards self. The beauty of it all is that feeling good is more than thinking positively. Because in here lies the compassion and patience with our physical differences. The kind of compassion where full acceptance about what happen to us reconciles and being patient to whatever actual inconveniences occurred in the presence of disabilities.

I admit I have had my share on feeling bad about my self before than feeling good having me as a polio victim. The inconvenience of doing with physical efforts, the public curious eyes and judgment, and other things I have missed to do and experienced done commonly by able-bodied people had left me feeling bitter against myself.

The struggle that followed was never been a joke for years of struggling painfully. I had seen more reasons to feel bad than feeling good. Besause my struggle was all real especially when I reached college. All different forms of fears were there all rolled into fear of facing what lies ahead. That caused anxiety and depression without limits. During college years, being a Bi-polar too, life was totally blurred mixed with ample attempts to commit suicide. My mood fluctuated like a swing, going up and down leaving me so drained and feeling useless.

My bipolar syndrome was the most difficult to handle than facing life as a polio victim. Because it attacked me anytime and anywhere. It was like living in a dark hell alive. Even though there were times when I peacefully accepted my disability, my disorder being bipolar crept in disrupting every fiber of strength I gained. One time I felt renew and find hope beyond my handicap and the next time I felt down again, so helpless that thinking positive was never a big help to calm me down.

When I finished my study, my bipolar attack kept getting worse especially that my fear came true. Year 2000 was filled with many rejections from my job interviews than I ever expected. Although I got my Professional Career certificate after taking exam from the Government Civil Service, some government officials refused me to fill in the vacant position in spite of my education and civil service qualification. The painful reason: Handicapped. But I was thankful that after three years of seeking jobs, one kindhearted Mayor accepted me to work for his office. Unfortunately, he lost his last term in the office. I was fired out after six months when a new administration took over.

Since then, new form of fear surfaced that left me asking myself how am I to able to get a job and live life like normal people do when some people never treated me like a normal one. I began to doubt whether I was only absorbed with illusion that handicapped are normal humans too with normal life to enjoy with. As fears surfaced and resurfaced from time to time, my bipolar mind remained my enemy, keeping track to my anxieties that left me drained and tired of facing challenges each day.

Honestly, it is all difficult to feel good towards self when physical and mental disabilities remain a major issue to base our judgment upon. Thinking positively won't work out long especially when there are certain situations that can drain a person mentally. The painful struggle would surely continue without any hint when will it ends.

However, we can make a new sense of life's outlook where we can totally feel good even in the presence of all forms of disabilities. It is by valuing "self" more than anyone can judge. Although our disabilities may be subject to public judgment and acceptance, it cannot change the truth that we are more than being labeled as handicapped. Within that body that sits in a wheelchair, lying in a bed or with different figures of body parts and mental disorder lies the presence of able self, more active, alert, creative and stronger than anyone can imagine.

But it takes our will to discover our valuable assets within to find what we already have. It takes the will to love oneself and be compassionate and patient towards what life brings. Surely, this is not an easy part especially if one is new to his disability. It is true that everyone has his own part of resistance. Everyone is free to feel that way. But such freedom often missed our opportunity to get in touch with our capabilities, our unique power that has been there long before. That only by giving value to ourselves, even if others will not, such power will give life's purpose and an amazing sense of direction.

The moment we value self, the experience of seeing the beauty and power of life beyond our disabilities becomes available. Watching the beauty and power of life are the most wonderful gifts we ever have. The beauty of it all is the fact that we are all here to witness how they work for us in special ways;  not based from the past nor to be waited in the near future but for today as we enjoy the presence of life as it is. With such wonderful truth, one could not have asked for more but feeling good each moment of the day. Let be your moment now a celebration being the treasure you are!

Laughing all the way with Nattaya

In my classes, I have two differently able students. One is autistic and the other one is in his wheelchair. Nattaya ,at 36 was born autistic. She is the one that attracted my attention and admired at her cheerful life.

She has a difficulty in speaking in a normal articulation and can hardly write properly for minutes. The first time I saw her sitting in my class, I wondered what makes her interested to study English conversation in spite of her speaking disability. What amazed me is the fact that she is the fast learner among her adult classmates. She easily memorizes words and their spelling every time I give them spelling test. And when it comes to English conversation, Nattaya has all the confidence to try than most typical Thai women I met.

However, it touches me every time she speaks because her face tend to twist and her saliva uncontrollably drips from her mouth after a minute of talking. When it occurs, she would grasp her mouth and slowly reach it with her handkerchief, wipe it down to her chin and apologize at me. Although many times I told her " it's okay Nattaya", she never forgets to say " I'm sorry, teacher", thinking that her difficulty in oral recitation bothers me.

Of course I'm not bothered about it. It only surprises me every class we have because I have never seen her sad. She used to laugh in our class that somewhat irritates her classmates. Even without any cause, she likes to call my attention and laugh. I love it even if my students looked at me with disappointment because I laugh with her too. It relaxes me a lot every time Nattaya laughs. Actually, the first time she did it, I just looked at her and smiled at her direction But as it happens every session we have, I've learned to pause for a moment from my discussion and simply laugh with her cheerfully. What a relief to see a handicap like her laughing without any intention of disrupting my class. She is just a cheerful woman.

It's obvious to her classmate that Nattaya laughs like a seven-year old kid. But it doesn't matter to me. At 36 with her innocent laughter, I wish I have her kind of world. So free from tension, anxiety and gloom. I never believed she is different from her matured classmates. Because she analyzes, memorizes and participates actively in my class more than I expect her to be. I can see she is aware of her handicap but seems never mind it at all. Her eyes glittered when she laughs so free from struggle of being different from others.

Bidding goodbye when I dismiss Nattaya and her classmates after class is a treat I like to witness most of all from her. But before she bids goodbye, Nattaya would stay for a moment for her daily ritual. She used to walk toward the chalk board, grabs an eraser and slowly erases all the writings on the board. I don't know if she is aware that I have difficulty too to raise my only useful left arm. But she loves to do something for me. With her arms slightly twist when she raises them up (but at least she can raise it up higher than my left arm can do), Nattaya skillfully cleans my board good as new.

Then she would smile when she finished, picked her bag and stuttered words I can not understand. But I'm sure she says goodbye. Because she would wave her arm awkwardly, walks on limping a little. When she would reach a few meters outside, Nattaya simply looks back at me and laughs like the way she does in my class. It's so wonderful to watch her leaving, laughing along the way. It makes me smile too when I close the door and reflect what an amazing life could be where cheerfulness and laughter are all possible in spite of handicaps.

4 Easy Tips to simply Laugh at our Handicaps

     When I was a kid, I heard gossips from some neighbors that adult handicapped are unhappy people. They are irritable, gloomy, and always having some bad days. These explained why handicapped have less circle of friends. I was so sad at that bad news knowing that I am a handicapped too. I felt afraid that someday when I grow up, I probably end up like what my neighbors described to our handicapped neighbors.

   And so when I reached at my teenage years, I was striving to be cheerful. I did not want to be trapped in an unhappy world of handicapped, as what my previous neighbors described. I became the favorite audience of my funny uncle because I used to laugh boisterously every time he narrated funny stories to us his nieces and nephews. Everyone were ignited to laugh whenever they heard me laughing especially when my uncle showed off his comical actions along with his funny stories.

    However alone, it's hard to be cheerful sometimes when there is our handicap keeps tagging us, making some inconveniences to what we want to do more than our physical ability can afford. Sometimes, we stop trying and simply sigh like feeling desperate. Anyway, that never happens everyday since we have already mastered our routine activities.

    The fact is that we can laugh and be cheerful everyday no matter what. We can simply laugh at our handicaps whenever we failed to accomplish some things we wish to do or simply remembered about our handicaps. We can simply pause for a while, stare at ourselves in the mirror and smile saying, " who cares if I can not  make it? " " who cares if I am made like this? And just enjoy life. But how?

    Now in my early 30's and being permanently away from my funny uncle, I made some new settings to stay cheerful and made laughter the easy way to do even without a comedy show. And not just staying cheerful but accepting me peacefully everyday. Here are the easy tips:

1.) Clear your jumbling mind first.

 
      Whenever we are trapped by our minds for thinking too much, our minds jumbled with different negativity against our disabilities. The favorite scenes appeared are our pitiful defects and our inabilities to show off physical appearance with poise and gracefulness like others do. Our negative thoughts are not complete without adding the regular recollection of bad or painful pasts. All rolled into one feeling: either self-pity or anger, or both.

    Worries and fears are commonly stored in our minds. We tend to get worry how we can adjust and adopt to the environments we lived in with the able people. We worries how to compete and get jobs along with them. In this area, fear arises whether we are totally understood and accepted or not by the society in spite of the laws implemented or campaign extended for us by many foundations. In other words, we worries so much what lies ahead and afraid how we gonna face and make it.

    Relax. Pause for a moment without giving any thought of thinking a lot, too much to bear. Just stop, even for a while, playing the recorded bad feelings, worries and fears that have been there over and over again. And see if you can survive without them or comfortable in a non-thinking state. If you feel good without them even with little awkwardness, continue the practice until you love the feeling of clearing jumbling mind.


2.) Start feeling every sound and silence around you.
 

      Because of thinking too much, we often missed to connect with some simple things around us. We are physically present but deeply absent. With our relax minds, good feelings become available. This is a chance to focus towards the things visible in front of us. Listen to their aliveness. And feel every sound you hear from them. For example, listen to the sound of the bird outside your backyard. Focus on it as if it's your first time to hear its melodious song. Whether you like it or not, a new refreshing feeling arises within. It makes you feeling good. That's the most rewarding moment of listening with feeling deeply.

     Even when you live in a crowded city where irritating noise is abundant, you can enjoy listening to it. Just listen without bothering your thought to surface or interpret the noise. Simply feel every beat of it. If you are alone in your room, get a chance to listen every noise made by your movements or even breathing. Enjoy listening to the aliveness of every sound your hear. This makes you feel so alive and alert.

    Take time to listen consciously to the sound of silence around you.  It's funny to think what is the sound of silence like. Actually, it sounds peaceful and calm. Such state is more relaxing than we've expected. In fact, there is more than relaxing in it. There's a total peace that ease all the burden of being a handicapped where our painful struggle simply become joy.

 3.) Take time to stare at you and feel freely.

      When we become aware of every sound around us naturally, we also become aware of our presence. We listened to our breathing and the sounds of every move we make. This is another chance to focus watching ourselves. Again, without interpretation of our jumbling minds. Begin by staring at yourself in a mirror or just stare at the defected body parts. And feel every thing you have seen.

     I have observed the amazing feeling when one day I was in my routine hot shower. I tried to listen to the sound of water running down to my body and feel every trickle of warm water to my skin. Slowly, my eyes rested on my paralyzed right arm as I watched the water running down there. Suddenly, I felt good and for the first time I felt compassion to my helpless arm. For more than 30 years, I had been avoiding staring at my defected arm and knee because it made me feels like being trapped in a dead body parts and no way out. I hated the feeling of being trapped without a chance to get out and get a normal body. But the moment I had in shower, listening and became aware of my presence enjoying the warm water, I experienced deep compassion to my defected arm and knee. Right there, I felt tingling sensation running through my nerves and veins. I felt aliveness in my right arm although I still can not raise it up or move my fingers. But the point is, there is a good feeling as I stared at my defects making me smiled and contented.

 4.) Enjoy each moment and smile.

     This fourth tip is the moment we get when we are totally relax, enjoying ourselves and those simple things around that we've missed to see and feel even when they were right there before. This is the moment where we truly experience life with so much smiles and laughter without much effort or striving. It all feels so good.

Good feeling towards self is not a choice. It simply begin deep within when we are feeling free, free from jumbling mind. It is the essence of peace and joy within. Even how much we choose to feel good but our mind is engrossed with much noises and negativity, it would be hard to simply feel good. Therefore, our attempt to find a happy life being handicapped and simply laugh at it must start from within.
 
Right now, you can do the four tips and experience the amazing moments full of fun and easy life. Begin it right now if you dream to laugh a lot, smile a lot and stay cheerful even when things don't appear the way we wanted them to be.

The Joy of Being a Handicapped

Being labeled as a disable is a big challenge for us to face. Imagine in a world where able people freely do what they wanted to do that exert physical efforts. Then one person stepped in without enough physical prowess to prove that he is able. This made a separate label between an able person and a disable one.
The good thing is that label is simply a label, not of great importance. Like a sign post along the road, once you drive past that sign post along your way, you won't memorize it seriously for hours because it is not your priority while focusing your attention on driving that moment.
Being a disable is not really a disable. In fact, polite people prefer to call it handicap to emphasize that there is no disability exist to a physically defected person; but only a different kind of ability. Surprisingly, in this kind of physical differences, many handicapped excelled amazingly. They have proved to the world how a different ability, unique from the world of able, could create an amazing impact of creativity and accomplishment.
This is the joy of being a handicapped. We have our own gifts of creativity and ability that when use with courage and persistence, the able people would be inspired and can even make a difference to their able lives! It's okay if we felt proud being a handicapped, not because we are endowed with unique capabilities but because being as such could also be a blessing for others.

How Can I Accept my Unacceptable Disability?

     By accepting it.

     But it's hard to accept my disability because it gives me so much painful struggles almost everyday! Now, how can I accept it?

     By accepting it.

    The struggles that we have been dealing with almost everyday as handicapped are as real as physically normal people can ever imagined. They are as real as the sun's existence! There is a real struggle of adjusting and adopting to our environment where the presence of able people reminds us of our disabilities.

     There is a struggle of craving to be understood, to be accepted and treated as one of the normal people, to be cared of, and if the world is willing- to be loved unconditionally. And there is this constant struggle within of wanting to be other than what we have externally.

    Although we have different conditions of our handicaps, our struggles are rolled into one. The pains we have been through are all the same. But there is the beauty of the sameness of these. It is the fact that we can have the same willingness to accept our disabilities.
 
    Some have already accept it and are now living life with great satisfaction and peace. But probably some have not yet able to step out from the label of being handicapped, and is therefore struggling still.

    As I watched my co-differently able people excelled either in sports, arts and in any field, I began to realize that we are all the same: able and disable. That the outer image we have has not much to do in the efforts of excelling. And that it is the inner image or true self that is the only responsible on how we can be what we want to be.

    However, our inner self can not motivate its power if we can not accept our outer self, our physical differences as part of us too. Our non acceptance is blocking our "true self" to be revealed into a creative, able human being. It hinders to create a harmony within, which is supposed to be there in our daily lives.
Willingness to accept what we have physically is a kind of total surrender that would end our constant struggle. The kind of struggle that may make us "a survivor" in the end but truly wounded. And a kind of wound that can turn one into a miserable, angry person instead of of being a joyful and amazingly creative human being.

    To face the fact that there is really physical difference existed is more than a cure from struggling painfully. In it comes peace. Be aware that it is already there given, no return and no exchange. And humbly accept it. Because the good thing is that our physical is simply an outer shell, just like an outer package. Not really of great importance. Although it is the mind-setting of our culture that made some people give much importance to the outer appearance; it does not mean that we are what we appeared externally as if that's all there is. It is the content of that package that matter most where the real power within resides and is able anytime. That's the real you!

The Power beyond Disabilty

     It was in 1977 when polio disease hit my country, Philippines. Many of the infants and even the adults were affected with it. At 9 months old, I was not spared. I had undergone comatose for a week. When I woke up, my parents found out that my right arm never move while my left hand freely grasping in the air every time I cry. And it was not until two years old when my parents observed that my left leg went limp. I was one of the lucky few, the doc told my parents, because most of the babies in the hospital where I was confined were seriously affected. Their legs were totally paralyzed. One of them was my schoolmate in my elementary years. She went to school with a nanny to carry her everyday.
 
     Handicap, disable or whatever label that anyone feels comfortable to use would still brings one to visualize someone's inability to perform physically like normal people do. For a handicap like me, it was not an easy reality to face as it is. Like for instance, during my high school years, I wanted to join the sports especially basketball for women. I envied how players ran, passed the ball skillfully, jumped and shot it in the ring. And landed on their feet with poise and satisfaction. Wow! I couldn't do that without stumbling on the ground and wait for a helping hand to help me get up!
 
     I saw able people how lucky they are in their limitless physical abilities. Most of my early years, I used to watch with envy how they walked with poise, ran in full speed, climbed trees without second thoughts, jumped high with energy, carried heavy baggage as if it's part of their weight (my sis is skillful to that) and carried their bodies without difficulties.

     This ensued constant struggle and pain as I compared the differences between the able and me, making myself missed to discover the power beyond my handicap. Blinded with so much struggle of refusing to accept being a handicap had made my life miserable, inactive and even filled with anger.

     But then there were times when I just stopped struggling or refusing to accept being me. Maybe because I got bored struggling or just engrossed with some activities sometimes. Well, at some point in my life, I can find peace when I stop my non-acceptance. There I can able to find time painting and expressed my creativity in an amazing way. And sometimes wrote some poems and even short stories( stored in my shoebox before but now were sent to friends).

     Acceptance is the best way for me to get out from living a miserable, struggling life. I believe to accept to what it is can powerfully transform any handicapped into a unique able person. To accept what it is because it can not be otherwise is the only inner gesture of humility we can do towards life. Such inner humility opens the door within us to get in touch with our true power beyond physical disability. Only then we can find peace and joy of being regardless of external handicaps. There is peace because we put an end to our resistance that is responsible to create an unhappy view of life. There is joy because there is a state of peacefulness within.

     We may not celebrate each day for lacking of physical prowess, but at least there is a constant flow of inner peace, harmony that makes us express our natural talents and creativity, unique from others. That makes our handicaps amazing for those who have witnessed around us!